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How I Would Fix Lent

As I walked around New York City this Wednesday, scuttling past the occasional ash-bearing believer, one thing became clear to me: Lent should be more popular. 

While I’m not saying I’d like this to be the case (I declined a contract extension with the Catholic Church years ago), it is undoubtedly true that Lent is an underperforming brand. Just think: Dry January has a stronger grip on the American psyche and Jesus doesn’t even like it. To prove my point—and demonstrate how inept the Pope is as a marketer—I fixed Lent myself. Here is the plan: 

40 Dry

We’re rebranding Lent to 40 Dry. Why? 1) Jesus did 40 days (and nights!) in the desert, that’s a dry place. 2) Lent is about improvement through sacrifice and the American population already equates quitting alcohol with being a better person. 3) It sounds cool as hell. 

A secondary component of this new initiative includes priests getting jacked and starting podcasts. Nothing gets Americans more motivated to act in the name of self-improvement than a creatine-infused, chicken-and-broccoli-chomping dude-bro with a microphone. These podcasts would include some of the following segments: drafting a Mount Rushmore of bible verses, 7 ways you can use Catholic guilt to gaslight your partner, and evaluating the holiness of Connor McGregor’s MMA career. 

Ashes out, tattoos in

Forehead ashes are a good start, but they couldn’t get half the social engagement that a cheeky “40 Dry” neck tattoo written in type writer font will. Then every year on “Ash Wednesday” (keep the name as a nod to the past) a priest will touch up your ink so that you can look mad fit for the 40 driest days of the year. 

Catholic Church X Impossible Foods X Bobby Flay: Meatless Meal Kits

A true no brainer. When you get your 40 Dry tattoo, the priest will ask you to sign a waiver riddled with terms and conditions which contains a hidden clause that enrolls you into a 40-day free trial (after which you’ll be auto-enrolled into a $199.99 per month subscription, that can only be canceled in-person at their Flagstaff, AZ location) for a Friday-only, meatless meal kit delivery service exclusively featuring Impossible Foods’ new line of elk organs. Bobby Flay will be involved because the Catholic Church loves to help those in need (and he could probably use the work).

Good Friday

This is a day of serious sadness and reflection, which is why the Catholic Church will ask its followers to post a blank square to their instagram account and then sheepishly remove it by Easter Sunday. 

Easter Sunday 

Only a few changes: BYOBOC (Bring Your Own Blood Of Christ), music directed by The Chainsmokers, and priests wear vintage robes.  

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As always, thank you so much for reading. This remains the best part of my week, every week. Have a great weekend!

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Housekeeping:

A few weeks ago, I started doing writing at Food52.

Earlier this week, I wrote about why eggs are expensive and hard to find right now. If you’re interested in eggs, money, bird flu, war, and/or smuggling, you’ll enjoy this quick article. Click the title below if you want to check it out.

Eggs Are Expensive Right Now—Will This Last Forever?

Welcome, Printed Milk

Soon, you might find yourself buying a ream of milk. Well, a ream might be too much. Let me explain. 

Vitiprints–a sustainability focused New York City startup–is currently printing two-dimensional sheets of dissolvable milk. A gallon of milk is now a sheet of construction paper. 

This ream contains five hundred gallons of milk.

Although strange, milk paper seems to address some key environmental issues. According to its press release, Vitiprints milk produces 75% less carbon dioxide than typical milks packaged in plastic bottles, reduces water usage, and eliminates plastic packaging altogether. Also, milk paper doesn’t waste easily—the product has a two year shelf life.  

While milk is Vitiprints first notable commercial endeavor, the print-food-tech company claims to be capable of printing other beverages like coffee, tea, and sports drinks. That’s why–according to milk paper people–the future is flat.

Let’s hope so. Let’s hope I can walk into a coffee shop and overhear someone inquire if the shop carries printed milk alternatives, then witness them order a printed oat latte with an extra shot, and ultimately watch that same person impatiently wait as the barista struggles to blend a sheet of paper with water. 

Let’s hope I can find myself at the dentist, flipping through a Sports Illustrated that was published nine months prior, and find a whole page gallon Powerade advertisement that I can rip out, take home, and rehydrate with. 

Let’s hope that I can buy a ream of oat milk so that I never have to stuff a heavy, traditional, liquid gallon into a structurally weak grocery bag that only rips as I’m walking towards someone I kind of know, but don’t want to acknowledge. 

Let us hope for a flat future.

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Thank you all for reading. This remains the most fun part of my week, every week. You are all the absolute best. If you liked milk paper, consider sharing with a friend. Hope you all have a great weekend!

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How I Would Fix Noma

Two weeks ago, Noma — the Copenhagen eatery often regarded as the world’s best restaurant — announced it will close in 2024 because the restaurant has become financially and emotionally “unsustainable.” 

For years, Noma relied on unpaid interns working very long hours, doing wildly boring shit to sustain operations. This past October, Noma started meagerly paying its interns, adding $50,000 in monthly labor costs. After three months, Noma had seen enough to know this whole “paying people for their hard work” thing wasn’t going to work out long term.

As someone who paid full price for The Noma Guide to Fermentation, this sucks. A world where Noma is not cool, Rene Redzepi is not deified, and my useless life-changing fermentation book has no resale value is a world that cannot exist. That’s why I’m fixing Noma. Here’s how:

Sponsorships, everywhere.

**server coughs** “Tonight’s fifteen course, three hour tasting menu is brought to you by Better Help, the official therapy partner of Noma interns, line cooks, and waitstaff!” 

Ads make money and Noma needs money, because if it had more money, of course that money would go towards paying interns. 

If someone wants an ad-free meal, they can pay for a “premium” reservation. All proceeds go directly to the interns. 

Noma To Florida

Some quick math would suggest that when Noma started paying its thirty interns, each intern took home around $1700 per month. That’s not nearly enough, but if you aren’t going to pay your employees a livable wage you might as well let them cook for old people and avoid income tax.

Also - there’s no seasons in Florida, so the “hyper seasonal” menu might become a bit more manageable. 

Noma X MrBeast

Just because you’re Noma doesn’t mean you can’t share a stove with MrBeast. Lease the kitchen out at night, pay your employees, and maybe learn a thing or two about selling food for less than $500 per person. 

ABWC (Always Be Winning Chopped)

A Chopped winner is paid $10,000. Noma should place a cook on every episode and that cook should always win. Collect the winnings and distribute to the interns. This should already be happening. 

If you have any other get-rich-quick-so-you-can-pay-your-restaurant-employees-schemes on hand, please reach out. I’d love nothing more than to resell my fermentation guide at full price. 

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Housekeeping

If you haven’t read last week’s newsletter on the wild world of spiked protein, check it out. It’s weird and fun and we like that. You can expect more similar, interview-style content in the coming weeks.

Today, I’m stoked for y’all to read a full length guest contribution from RA’s Chief Coolness Officer, Cousin Nell.

Mood Boosting Plans You Should Make This Winter

By: Nell Goddard

One of my more Boomer qualities is that every January, I buy myself a Farmers Market wall calendar and proudly hang it on my kitchen wall. Each flip of the month brings a flurry of beautiful botanical style drawings of species of mushrooms, or passionfruit, or for June 2023’s centerfold, British Isle Cheeses! Anyway, highly recommend.

You know what else I recommend? Making plans. In general, I’m a fan of plan making (read, on planning my own birthday parties). BUT, I believe plan making to be borderline essential in January. You’re coming down from the high of a holiday season filled to the brim with (maybe too many) plans – and for me, I need a few goal posts to run towards during the quiet, gray weeks that follow New Years.

So, I’m writing to you with a smattering of fun, quirky, diverse, wholesome and delicious plans (that are all pretty NYC centric, sry!) that you can propose to your various text threads and give yourself microjoys to fill up your cold months before spring and summer’s spontaneous energy seep back in. Turn the blank stare of your January monthly view into one filled with any combination of the below, and I am confident you’ll shake those winter blues, or better yet, lock them out altogether.

Let’s get into it:

First up, dinner and a built-in show at Russian Samovar

Midtown is BACK BABY. You heard it here first. Well probably not, I think this has been brewing for a while, but hear me out nonetheless that in between the tourist traps and stuffy corporate vibes, there are GEMS in the hinterlands above 34th street.

Russian Samovar is one of those. We recently had our holiday company party here and after walking in with zero expectations beyond what I know from my Russian-Jewish Brighton Beach in-laws, I left (stumbled) out of there in a haze of joy and ready to plan my return.

Not only is the food absolutely delicious, but the vibe is impeccable. Quick history: this place used to be called Jilly’s Canteen, and was a frequent haunt of Sinatra and his “good ole boys” (aka the Rat Pack), Johnny Carson, and more. The restaurant was sold in the 80s to Roman Kaplan and his partners, dancer/actor Mikhail Baryshnikov and poet Joseph Brodsky. In other words, it’s perfect.

You’ll have dinner in their main dining room downstairs and be audience to a nightly performance around their grand piano with Russian folk music and dancing. Then, shimmy upstairs to their second floor bar for a final final before you sail into the midtown air (maybe to Jimmy’s Corner, next. But I’ll save that for another week). 

Menu highlights: martinis (duh), the borscht!, dumpling soup, beef stroganoff, blinis with smoked salmon, Russian salads (TW: they are mayo and egg forward).

An afternoon on Arthur Avenue, with a luxuriously drawn-out lunch at Zero Otto Nove

It’s probably going to be too cold for the Bronx Zoo, but in warmer weather, that is another excellent preamble to this adventure.

Either way, Arthur Ave is well worth the trip. Grab the Metro North from Grand Central (pro tip: buy a weekend pass for $5 for any interborough trips, including this one). Meander your way around Arthur Avenue, buy some pasta, breads, fresh mozz, cured meats, pastries, whatever your little heart desires, and then head to Zero Otto Nove. 

Zero Otto Nove makes you feel like you’ve straight up left the country. The waiters all wear well-tailored black and white uniforms, grab sips of espresso at the bar between set ups, and are attentive and lovely. They have a ton of space, so a group shouldn’t be a big deal (they are walk in only) – we slid right in with a group of 6 last time I went for a late Saturday lunch.

Everything I ate here was incredible, but don’t sleep on the pizzas or the baked clams app. Or any specials they have going around. The antipasto platter is a lovely way to start.

If you’re in the mood, get a bottle of wine. Embody the Italian spirit that seems to say – what could possibly be the rush? Let your cheeks get flush, soak it all in, and finish it off with an espresso before you float out the door with your carb blanket and a smile on your face.

A soak and chill (or warm up) at Bathhouse in Williamsburg

What sounds better on a cold winter’s day than a sauna and soak moment, with a full body massage thrown in? One that’s in a chic hotel, well priced, and in a neighborhood surrounded by great restaurants to take your blissful self afterwards.

If you book a service, you’ll get their full day pass included which lets you luxuriate in their baths and saunas for as long as you please. 

A cozy dinner at Inga’s Bar followed by karaoke at the illustrious Montero’s

Inga’s is the perfect cozy dinner spot for a chilly night. Set in a townhouse in Brooklyn Heights, you’ll approach the restaurant feeling like you’re straight out of Moonstruck, and walk into an upscale (but decidedly unfussy and warm) tavern. Recommend making a rez, but if you have to wait for a table, see if you can squeeze your way to their lovely little bar in the back and warm up with a bev while you wait. 

Don’t sleep on the burger, celery salad, or the pork chop if they have it on the menu. (Last time I ate here, my mom and I sat next to Chuck and Nancy Schumer. Chuck warmly told us he loved the pork chop but was so/so on the celery salad. Nancy disagreed re: salad. They were awesome).

Next, if it’s not too chilly, stroll two blocks west to the Promenade and take in the best views of the city through crisp clear winter air. Walk south until it spits you out at Remsen St and work your way down to Atlantic Ave where you’ll quickly see the glowing neon sign for Montero’s. If you don’t know Montero’s I actually don’t want to tell you too much. Just go with a good attitude, some cash, a karaoke song at the ready, and smile with patience at the older gentleman in suspenders who I hope is still working the door.

If Montero’s is too crowded, continue the good vibes at Floyd’s and play some bocce.

Start a cookbook book club + host a dinner party

It’s like a book club, but instead of reading a novel that 4/10 of you actually read, you’ll find some food-interested / cooking-comfortable friends, select a cookbook, and cook the book together. 

The host should take the main dish and a side, and guide the others to apps, additional sides, and a dessert that suits your main (you’re the executive chef). And of course, bevs! Start with a signature drink and encourage friends to bring wine or any other dinner complements.

Go catch a last minute show and dance it out

Don’t take our live music for granted. Go see a band you’ve never heard of at a spot you love (Pete’s Candy Store, Baby’s All Right, Elsewhere, and Knitting Factory all hold a fond place in my heart for this exact use case). Simple, easy, never a bad idea.

Along the same vein, cozy up with a Guinness and catch a traditional Irish session at Hartley’s in BK or 11th Street Bar in EV

Last time my friends and I were at Hartley’s, we were greeted warmly by the bartender who said, “It’s great to have you guys back. You’re kind of fall and winter people here, aren’t you?” I like the concept of “wintering” at a bar. Some are just built for seasonal use. Traditional Irish pubs are some of those. I’m talking wood interior, candles, a proper pour, and a warmth that can’t be faked.

I get that traditional Irish music (or “trad” as I just learned it’s called) might not be everyone’s thing, but if you’re open to it, a cozy night with other locals, plus talented musicians dropping in to play a tune or two might just make you forget the windchill factor and change your tune. Both of these spots attract incredibly talented musicians (a friend of mine plays at both spots in between playing violin on Broadway, hey Martha!) 

Alright that’s all y’all! Report back with any additions that fill up your cup this winter. We’re all in this together.

In solidarity,

Cousin Nell

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As always, thank you for reading. This remains the best part of the week, every week. If you enjoyed Nell’s advice, consider sharing this with a friend or coworker. Hope you all have an amazing weekend.

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What is Spiked Protein?

In my last newsletter, I wrote about Snickers’ protein-induced identity crisis. Today, we dive into something much stranger: protein alcohol. Or as you’ll come to know it, Protochol. 

Protochol is a sixteen-ounce, uncarbonated beverage that is 8% ABV and contains 11 grams of protein. Offered in three flavors - “Pineapple Pump,” “Swoleberry,” and “Orange County” - Protochol is the first “spiked protein” drink sold in the United States. 

Protochol commercially launched in Erie, PA in March 2022. Since then, this dairy-free fight milk has expanded into 200 stores across the Northeast and Midwest United States, amassed over 12k social media followers, been lampooned by Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show, and labeled one of the “the worst beverages ever” by Bar Rescue’s Jon Taffer. 

Despite rapid growth, customer opinion of Protochol is mixed. Andrew H. (who likes shit beer) found Swoleberry disappointing. 

Meanwhile, Ben paired Swoleberry with a snow shovel and loved it.

Lisa Lime detected notes of Capri Sun in her Swoleberry.

Protochol’s intrigue extends well beyond its flavor profile. Claiming to draw inspiration from Ghengis Khan’s imperial conquests, Protochol employs a marketing strategy that is equally #disruptive and destructive. The company labels itself as “100% Unnecessary,” a clever disarmament of its most obvious criticism that doubles as an apt description of its decision to blow up a toilet and transform the observation deck of a lighthouse into an unnervingly empty nightclub—all in the name of promoting spiked protein.   

According to its website, Protochol is “a high octane drink for high octane people'' that “flaunt their savagery by drinking fearless products.” As the website states, Protochol isn’t for just anyone:

But, also, Protochol is for everyone:

Impressed with the drink’s savage growth and eager to learn more about what it takes to be a high octane person, I spoke with 24-year-old Protochol cofounder Josh Kurcewski. During our conversation, I learned about Protochol food pairings (there are none), upcoming product and distribution expansions (Ohio this spring), and what constitutes a “high octane person.”

According to Josh, a high octane person is “someone that is just getting after it in every way possible.” During our call, I was disappointed to learn Josh’s initial impression was that of a low octane person. Maybe this article blog email I send my family and friends will change that.

If you’re put off by Protochol’s product or marketing, Josh and his co-founder Mitch Clark have a message for you: if you don’t like it, leave. This attitude is not original nor inclusive, but it works. Protochol has real fans, thousands of them, in fact. On any Protochol social media post, you’ll find commenters begging for Swoleberry and Pineapple Pump to come to their state. Soon, the last nine months would suggest.

While it’s easy to chuckle at Protochol today, it somehow seems inevitable that Josh and Mitch will eventually be the ones laughing at us, as they leisurely shotgun cans of vintage Swoleberry from the decks of their yachts. 

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As always thank you so much for reading. This remains the highlight of my week, every week. If you enjoyed this, please consider sharing it with a friend. Thanks so much, and hope you all have a great weekend.

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Some housekeeping:

As it stands, this will be the last newsletter of 2022. I will be skipping next week to wrap up my final exams. Also, none of you should be reading emails next Friday or the Friday after that. We’ll pick back up the first week of 2023. I couldn’t be more excited.

Lastly, thank you all for supporting Restaurant Adjacent over the last six months- it’s been quite the ride. The feedback, compliments, and critiques are what makes this so damn fun. I wish you all a happy, oyster-filled holiday!

Snickers Bleaches Its Hair

Earlier this week, Snickers unveiled its new “Hi Protein Bar” that will include 20 grams of protein, 4 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of fun. Snickers venturing into performance nutrition is akin to your quarter-zip-wearing, boat-shoe-having friend that suddenly moves to an inconvenient part of Brooklyn, bleaches their hair, performs vegan, and swears by a local, small business named Blank Street Coffee. Your friend looked great in quarter-zips, and Snickers tastes best as a well packaged cavity — I hope they both find their way home soon.

Why You Should Start Every Holiday Party By Shucking Oysters 

Every holiday season I am reminded of one festive truth: every holiday party should start with a martini in one hand and an oyster knife in the other. 

Holiday parties can take a minute to get fizzing. With a guest list that often includes some combination of neighbors, relatives, and colleagues, it’s rare that your collection of sweater-clad frenemies will want to talk with each other at all, let alone without first ingesting social lubricants. 

Shucking oysters at the beginning of your holiday party will fix this. 

Right off the bat, shucking oysters immediately ups the #CoolFactor of any party. Although not actually difficult, oyster shucking always impresses people. Instead of buying the biggest tree in town, shuck oysters at the beginning of the night and your party will immediately stand out. 

Once you start shucking, guests will gravitate towards you and the oysters. This is what you want: people coming together. Now intimately clustered around the bivalves, increased proximity is often enough of a spark for people to strike up conversations that likely would’ve taken hours and cocktails to happen otherwise. 

With guests funneling towards you, hosting the party becomes easier. Rather than walking the room to make sure your guests are feeling situated, shuck oysters and the welcoming conversations come to you. Also, there’s no better time to (cheerfully) ask why your neighbor insists on mowing their lawn at 7AM every Saturday than when you are shucking them an oyster. 

Oysters, themselves, are a conversation starter. Every time I shuck for friends and family, I’m amazed at how enthusiastic people are to share their oyster opinions. Oyster preferences (big vs. small, salty vs. sweet, east vs. west, mignonette or lemon or both) invoke excitement, debate, and passion all without mentioning a political party. Sick!

Best of all, oysters give you plenty of reason to start everyone’s night off with a martini or a glass of champagne. Pro tip: prepare the drinks beforehand or enlist your most trusted bartending guest to pour them while you shuck. There’s no need to overwork yourself. 

Regardless, when your guests start their night with an oyster - freshly shucked by you - and the perfect accompanying cocktail, your holiday party will avoid the social awkwardness we all so disdain.

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Thank you all for reading. This remains the highlight of my week, every week. Please consider sharing this with a friend or family member — I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and I can’t wait to send you something beautifully ridiculous in 2023.

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The Uncrustable Fantasy Factory:

Smucker’s is building a 29,000 square foot R&D facility dedicated to Uncrustable innovation. This means there will soon be a building that is five times the size of a hockey rink, where questions like, “Well, should we put a cheesesteak inside of one of these things?” will finally be taken seriously. Epic.

Bertucci’s Bankrupt, Again!

Beloved New England pizza chain, Bertucci’s, declared bankruptcy, again. This sucks, but I know it’s not the end. Bertucci’s is tough, it’s resilient, and it will do absolutely everything in its power to go bankrupt a third time. Long live unlimited bread rolls!

Is ChatGPT a wine guy?

Last week, OpenAI publicly released its artificial intelligence chatbot, ChatGPT. After a few days of using ChatGPT, I am certain of one thing: I would drink wine with this robot.

As a chatbot, ChatGPT is designed to answer human submitted questions with conversational responses. According to its website, ChatGPT can also answer follow-up questions, admit mistakes, and reject inappropriate requests.

Since its launch, the technology community and greater internet world collectively anointed ChatGPT as the greatest chatbot ever. Within five days, over one million computer-having humans used it. In its one week of public existence, ChatGPT has written essays on Wuthering Heights, drafted an actually funny Seinfeld scene in which Jerry learns computer programming, and created comprehensive, personalized weight loss and exercise regimens. 

ChatGPT is smart and seemingly does lots of things really, really well. So, I think it's fair to ask: is ChatGPT an insufferable dork?

To find out, I asked ChatGPT to engage with the preeminent incubator of insufferable, self-absorbed dialogue: wine preference. Hoping to catch the chatbot espouse a snobby take on the culinary superiority of “full-bodied” reds or “dry, crisp” whites, I asked the simple, yet loaded question, “what is the best wine?” ChatGPT responded:

“There is no definitive answer to this question, as the best wine is a matter of personal preference. Some people prefer red wines, while others prefer white wines.”

So true, king.

ChatGPT is secure in its wine knowledge. It doesn’t want to impress me with a shiny explanation of what “experts” might technically consider to be the best wine. ChatGPT wants to remind you - in the way that cool people often do - that wine should be enjoyed, not debated. 

For comparison, when I ask Google, “what is the best wine?” I am served shopping links to specific wine bottles that range in price from $59,995 to $24, and a list titled “5 Most Popular Wines” that was created by an online publication. Google’s response seemingly suggests that price and popularity determine wine superiority. Conflating quality with price and popularity – that’s dork behavior. 

ChatGPT’s simplistic wine ethos is not due to a lack of knowledge either. I asked the bot to “tell me about sustainable, dry red wines in Washington,” and subsequently received an analysis on the “diverse range of microclimates and soil types” specific to Washington’s Columbia Valley. 

ChatGPT knows about wine - it just doesn’t brag about its expensive, popular, massive collection. ChatGPT is not dorky, instead, it's somehow aspirationally cool. 

Google and ChatGPT are different technologies, obviously. Google promotes website links it believes best respond to user input. ChatGPT provides singular answers to user queries. Despite differences, an overlap in potential use cases clearly exists. 

Within this overlap, infinite questions of taste and preference exist. ChatGPT’s ability to respond to taste-based questions with clear, thoughtful, open-minded answers is what makes it so hopeful and refreshing. ChatGPT is comfortable not knowing the answer, Google is not. If both were people - which person would you rather drink wine with?

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By: Ryan McMahon

Rating 5/5 

Price: $260.00 (ample sushi and sake for 4 people)

Atmosphere: Hole in the wall sushi, perfect for date night  

Cuisine: Sushi 

In a city where your ability to use chopsticks is a close second to navigating the subway lines in the ranks of what constitutes a “True New Yorker”, it is no surprise that high-end omakase restaurants continue to open with regularity, bearing dinner prices comparable to a month’s rent. Just last week food critic Pete Wells of the New York Times highlighted Yoshino, a 4 Star, 10 seat restaurant that will run you $646.00 before drinks - featuring Cod Semen (not a typo) as one of its marquee dishes. While I enjoy over the top Sushi temples from Yoshino to Yasuda as much as the next guy, my favorite New York sushi joint is Takahachi - a nondescript destination in the East Village where the bathrooms are spray painted and the sake is reasonable. 

Over 30 years ago, then owner Hiroyuki Takahashi opened Takahachi, a no-frills neighborhood sushi restaurant on Avenue A. Hiroyuki was joined shortly thereafter by Chef Jack Hlaing. After 19 years of working with and for Hiroyuki, Jack was given the opportunity to purchase the restaurant in 2019, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Over the years Jack and I have developed a friendly rapport; I rarely look at a menu but instead trust him blindly, and I am by no means the minority in this regard. On any given night nearly half of the intimate venue seems to be filled with regulars meeting Jack with hugs, kisses, and stories about their kids.

On my most recent trip to Takahachi we started with charred shishito peppers and sipped Sake from traditional Masu Sake boxes, sought out for their cedar wood that pairs nicely with the wooden casks in which the rice-based grain is brewed. From there, Takahachi’s talented team of Sushi Chefs took the reins on an assortment of rolls and nigiri. Fresh uni and scallops flown in from Japan were a cut above (for obvious reasons) but local pieces like King Salmon, Fatty Tuna, Yellow Tail Belly & Red Snapper held their own. Takahachi is a welcome outlier here in New York where you can blow the doors off the menu without having to pawn your watch.  Each piece of nigiri - plated in the order of which it should be consumed - seems to melt in your mouth, more than the last. 

There is no question that high-end omakase restaurants with price tags obtainable only to those with a trust fund or business account will continue to pop up and flourish in the big apple; but fortunately for the rest of us in search of high-grade sushi at a gentlemanly price, there is Takahachi. 

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Housekeeping:

-In the fourth installment of Ryan’s Reviews, our resident restaurant reviewer - who’s name is Ryan - reviews Ci Siamo in Manhattan West. Spoiler: Ryan liked what he saw. Read the full review here.

-Apologies for missing last week. I was busy washing dishes.

Six Cooking Gifts That Will Always Be Loved

In sixth grade, an academic colleague of mine gave his life partner a $25 Burger King gift card as a Christmas present.

They are no longer dating.

Although the BK gift card was well-intentioned and undeniably practical, good intentions and practicality on their own do not qualify a gift as good. This is obvious to most adults, until they buy cooking gifts. 

Meal kits, air fryers, onion goggles, breakfast sandwich makers - these are Burger King gift cards. Don’t buy them.

Instead, buy a good cooking gift. Buy something that looks great and functions better - something that decreases cooking stress and increases kitchen style. A good cooking gift is never cheap, always durable, and often used. A great cooking gift is timeless - something that someone will cook with ten years from now. 

Here are six great cooking gifts:

Staub Cast Iron Tall Cocotte, 5QT - $149 (normally $514)

Staub cookware is eternally gorgeous and unfathomably durable. Also, you can do just about anything in a pot like this: cook pasta, braise meat, bake bread.

I’m not sure why this is 70% off right now, but it is - so you should buy it for someone.

Misen Chef’s Knife - $85

If you’ve been reading Restaurant Adjacent for a while, you know how much I love this knife. It’s gorgeous, durable, and somehow not prohibitively expensive. This knife is perfect for everyone.

Ruby Knives - $300+

If you’re going to spend on a knife, you might as well ball out. Matthew Rubendall, owner of Brooklyn’s Ruby Knives, makes the most gorgeous, custom-designed knives I have ever seen. If you’re interested in giving someone the cooking gift of a lifetime, reach out to Matthew at rubyknives@gmail.com

Maple Cutting Board by John Boos - $125

A bit boring, sure, but anyone that loves to cook knows that you can never have too many thick, sturdy, high-quality wood cutting boards in your home kitchen. These boards look so good in person, that they couple as kitchen decoration - my Mom’s Boos board hasn’t left her kitchen counter in ten years!

Tilit Supply Apron - $45

Food tastes better when it is made by someone wearing an apron. Tilit makes the best looking and feeling aprons in the world. If you want someone to cook better and look hotter, buy them this Tilit Supply apron.

Escali Lightweight Scale - $24.99

For the person that bakes, pickles, or thinks coffee is a personality trait - this Escali scale will transform their kitchen experience. These scales look great, work better, and last forever. 

In sum, don’t buy anyone a Burger King gift card and if you are going to buy someone a cooking gift, think long term.

As always thank you all for reading. This remains the highlight of my week, every week. If you enjoyed reading this please consider sharing with a friend. Thanks so much!

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By Ryan McMahon

Rating: 3/5

Price: $228.00 for two; $115.00 (2 appetizers, pasta, entrée), $75.00 (Bottle of wine), $38.00 (Tip)  

Atmosphere:  Upscale destination perfect for a birthday or anniversary 

Cuisine: Italian  

Sandwiched between Hudson Yards and Moynihan Train Hall, “Manhattan West” is a location few New Yorkers have visited, let alone know exists. On the tail end of Brookfield Properties’ completion of the two West Side office towers, the prominent New York landlord tapped two of the city’s culinary heavyweights - Danny Meyer and Hilary Sterling - to change the narrative around this formerly sleepy part of town. 

With a laundry list of successful restaurants, it should be no surprise that Danny Meyer and his team delivered on this large scale, 120-seat restaurant. However, Ci Siamo is by no means an everyday destination; Italian classics like Bistecca alla Fiorentina give the menu a feeling that the Ritz overhauled a mom-and-pop restaurant and gave it a price tag to match. I say this not to knock the experience but to drive home the point that Ci Siamo is an occasion restaurant and should be treated as such. 

The stars of the show are the pastas - homey Tuscan staples such as Stracci with Rabbit and Tagliatelle in Tomato and Buffalo Butter Sauce are two of my personal favorites.

The appetizers are not to be overlooked - “Head Scratchingly Simple” Mortadella (an ode to Ms. Sterling’s time in the salumi and butchery department of Italian temple Lupa Osteria Romana) served in its simplest form, sliced and plated, just makes sense.

Another appetizer in the can’t miss column are the Little Neck Clams served with a White Bean Calabrian Chili Glaze, a recurring theme on the menu. As for entrees, Wood Fired Whole Trout – the fish is completely deboned and sewn back together then roasted over coals - is one of the most impressive takes on a whole fish I have seen.

This is not your neighborhood taverna, nor should it be. I believe Hilary Sterling and her team have accomplished exactly what they set out to achieve. Most folks don’t often find themselves on the far west side of New York dodging the Port Authority. Whether it’s an ex-girlfriend, drug dealer or that weird butcher your dad swears bye; you better have a good reason to hump all the way to 31st and 10th. Ci Siamo is that reason. 

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An Update On Lab-Grown Protein

Earlier this week the FDA approved Upside Food’s lab-grown chicken product. While lab-grown meat won’t appear in grocery stores overnight, it’s certainly coming. For additional context on lab-grown proteins, revisit this article on cell-based fish.

How To Always Enjoy Thanksgiving 

When done right, washing dishes becomes Thanksgiving’s one guaranteed joy. 

Food is not constant. No matter how many times your mom has managed to pull off her Signature Stuffing or the number of hours you’ve spent studying Alison Roman’s Thanksgiving tutorial, shit inevitably happens. Ovens malfunction, dishes shatter, deep fried turkeys combust.

Think about the times you’ve grimaced at an overcooked chicken breast served to you at an actual restaurant. If professional cooks can’t nail it every time, consider how improbable it is for you and your mom to successfully replicate Roman’s Leek and Green Gratin while the two of you are halfway through a bag of Franzia.  

Family is less consistent than food. Your sixteen year old crypto-obsessed cousin will - for the first time in years - not insist on managing your parents retirement fund. The Trump-loving uncle will likely have his swagger back. Your brother will “perform vegan” in front of his new girlfriend.

Regardless of how impossibly inedible the turkey is, or how insufferable your uncle’s politics are, there will be dishes to wash. Those dishes are an annual source of happiness, freedom, and alcohol. 

After a Thanksgiving meal, most people plan on indulging themselves in a turkey-and-alcohol-induced coma. Dishes become the napper’s obstacle - they’ll do anything to avoid picking up a sponge. This is where you - the dishwasher - become valuable.

Ascend the throne sink, then ask a couch-bound napper for a glass of wine. You’ll never receive a quicker, fuller pour. Dismiss your cupbearer, then send the bravest dish-avoider on a quest to find the mythical Fully Charged Bluetooth Speaker. When the speaker arrives, toast the brave knight, then look upon your mountain of heavily crusted sheet trays and smile. For as long as you stand in front of that sink, cup full and music on, Thanksgiving will - for a moment - be perfect.

 Ideally, dish cleaning is a group project. You want support staff. But make no mistake, the greatest joys are found in the sink. Take the sink. 

I have worked the sink the last eight Thanksgivings. At the sink I have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life. Scrubbing away, blissfully wine drunk, laughing and dancing with whoever floats through the kitchen – it’s uncut joy, and I recommend you try it next week.

Before you do, here are a few tips on how to make washing dishes your annual Thanksgiving highlight:

Organization:

Take the sink. Once you’re there, don’t leave. Walking is hard, never do it.

If you’re alone, let the dishes come to you. If you have an assistant, they’ll clear the table while you scrub. If you have at least two helpers, someone loads the dishwasher and dries pots and pans - others clear plates and fill tupperware. 

Build out a squad, then iterate annually. There’s nothing quite like watching a dish crew come into their own. 

Music:

Intergenerational bangers. The vibe should be the Space Jam theme song, Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl), Pump Up The Jam, and Beyonce songs that your parents know.

Mix in a musical drinking game. One that we play: put on Bill Withers “Lovely Day” then drink beer for as long as Mr. Withers belts “lovely DAAAAAAAY.”

Drinking:

While at the sink, indulge yourself in luxury. Ask your hobbyist family member to make you their “specialty cocktail.” If they say no, ask if they’d like to do the dishes. Then ask them to make you another.

Take a team shot. We do gravy backs: a shot of Jameson chased with a shot of gravy. You’d like it.

Gear:

If you can find an apron, wear it. Your outfit will appreciate it. Also, it’s fun to drink in costume. 

Most importantly, buy steel wool. Facing a Thanksgiving dish pit with a sponge is like bringing a water balloon to a gunfight. If you need more convincing, you can read my full steel wool dissertation here. 

Despite what the swath of cooking tutorials and curated instagram stories would suggest, you don’t need a moist turkey breast or perfect family to enjoy Thanksgiving. All you need is a sink, and maybe a bottle (or two) of wine. 

Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you have an amazing weekend and wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Look out for a Black Friday email, next week, on Black Friday. Please consider sharing this with a friend and subscribing if you haven’t already. Thank you!

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Do Michelin stars affect restaurant popularity?

Last month, every notable food publication announced that Carbone - the hyper-exclusive New York City restaurant best known for its vodka sauce and celebrity clientele - lost its Michelin star. 

For restaurants, a Michelin star is peak recognition. Bon Appetit summarizes this perfectly:

“Receiving a star from Michelin represents what many restaurateurs view as the highest honor in the culinary world. One star is “worth a stop,” two stars is “worth a detour,” and three stars (the most a restaurant can receive) is “worth a special journey,” according to the guide.”

As someone who intends on eating at every restaurant ever referenced in a Drake verse but does not yet have the status nor Resy bot needed to secure “elite” reservations, I was delighted by Carbone’s loss. I figured losing a Michelin star would drive enough customers away that I would finally be able to book a reservation at the House That Drizzy Mentioned. 

A month after losing its star, this is Carbone’s reservation availability:

No tables for the next thirty days. 

My prediction failed, but is my Michelin hypothesis entirely corrupt? Perhaps Carbone’s perseverance is a Drake based anomaly.

Eight other NYC restaurants lost Michelin stars this year. L’Appart, a French tasting-menu spot in Tribeca with a full five star Yelp rating, lost its star. L’Appart has reservations available for thirteen of the next sixteen nights. 

Wallse, an Austrian restaurant in the West Village, also lost its star. A month later, Wallse has yet to remove the Michelin star from its website. Despite posing as a star haver, Wallse is shockingly accessible. According to Resy, tomorrow you could dine at Wallse whenever you want to.

While I want the availability of L’Appart and Wallse to support my thesis, because I don’t have insight into their past Resy data, there is no way to confirm that these restaurants became less popular due to star loss.  

However, while some restaurants lost stars, others gained them. If Michelin stars do impact a restaurant’s popularity, then gaining stars should decrease a restaurant’s accessibility.

Semma - a Southern Indian restaurant in the West Village - received its first star last month. Like Carbone, Semma has no available reservations for the next thirty days. 

This is not normal. Of the nineteen New York City restaurants that received stars for the first time this year, only two places appear fully booked: Semma and Yoshino, a new omakase spot on the Lower East Side.  

The seventeen other star-receiving restaurants are not deprived of customers. They all appear to be perfectly busy. But, receiving a Michelin star did not catapult these restaurants into top tier popularity. 

While newly anointed Michelin star restaurants must compete with institutions that have held stars for years – the most popular places in New York City often have no stars at all. 

Via Carota, a universally loved Italian spot in the West Village, has no stars. It also has no reservations for the next thirty days. Other non-starred places like 4 Charles and Misi also have no available reservations for the next month. 

From all this, I see a few things.

First, my original thesis stinks. 

Second, Michelin stars do not imply nor drastically influence restaurant popularity in New York City. A Michelin star - much like a Tik Tok video, Yelp score, or Restaurant Adjacent review - is simply an additional data point customers use to inform their dining preferences. 

In sum, if someone at work tastefully boasts of dining at a Michelin star restaurant in such a way that makes you want to eat there, don’t immediately inquire how they got a reservation. Instead, ask if Drake has mentioned it. 

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Thank you all for reading. This remains the best part of my week, every week. Hope you all have an amazing weekend. 

-Avian flu and supply chain issues will make turkey expensive and difficult to find this Holiday season. This should upset no one. Thanksgiving turkey is terrible. We should be carving meatloaf.

-Long time readers: I hear you. The Busch Turkey Broth review is coming. Unfortunately, this week our canine broth critic was injured in a tennis ball accident. Production is scheduled to resume this weekend.

Where Should I Pour My Own Beer?

Self-serve beer taps could become one of the greatest advancements of 21st century beer drinking technology, so long as they disappear from actual bars. 

A self-serve beer tap transfers beer pouring duties from bartender to customer. To pour a beer, customers first set up a proxy payment card with the bar. Customers then insert their payment card into the beer tap of their choosing and finally pour as much Triple Hopped Dank Berry Unicorn Magic IPA as their heart desires.

The first self-serve beer taps were designed by customers tired of having to box-out over-served credit card flailing bozos every time they wanted to order a beer at a crowded bar. These initial designs spun off into the two companies leading the self-serve beer tap industry: PourMyBeer and iPourIt. Today, both companies market their technology as a way for bars to increase sales and reduce labor costs.

Put plainly: self-serve beer taps replace bartenders. PourMyBeer boasts that its system reduces a bar’s staff by 20%. While any shrewd business owner would jump at a 20% labor reduction, a good bar is more than a healthy bottom line. 

At a bar, we want to connect with people. If going to a bar was merely a drinking exercise, no one would go. Drinks at home are cheaper and easier. To connect with others you need to feel human, and the bartender-customer interaction is how a bar makes a customer feel like more than a credit card number. 

A self-serve tap system at a bar is like a restaurant with iPads instead of waiters: unnervingly hollow.  

However, there are venues besides bars that serve beer: bowling alleys, arcades, concert halls, etc. At these places - where beer is an added touch, but not the main attraction - self-serve systems are perfectly useful. When you’ve thrown three straight gutter balls and your friends are cackling in your face, a bartender won’t need to make you feel any more human - you just want a beer. 

Unsurprisingly, self-serve tap systems are making their way into activity based venues. PourMyBeer already deploys its system at casinos, offices, arcades, and even grocery stores. Starting next season, the New England Patriots will offer self-serve taps at select parts of its stadium. 

To me, the real value of self-serve tap systems is not in replacing bartenders, but rather creating beer drinking opportunities in places where a bartender would never want to work.

Here are are three new places where self-serve taps make sense:

Anywhere A Four Year Old Has A Birthday Party

Building off the success of arcades and bowling alleys, I’d like to suggest a new commercial building code: if there’s a ball pit, laser tag arena, or ticket based economy in any building, then that building must have self-serve taps. When I eventually find myself around screaming toddlers and/or at a Whimsical Corporate Team-Building Event, I’ll want a fourth beer sans bartender judgment.

The Aritzia Boyfriend Section

Throw a few taps on top of that IKEA table and these lads will start thinking they too could fit into the Emma Chamberlain Puffer Jacket. For payment, Aritzia could launch a loyalty credit card and have that serve as the tap’s proxy card. 

Because I’m a good boyfriend, I like shopping. But, I think I’d like shopping even more if cold beers were present. Your move, Aritzia.

Ski Lodges

I put this last to maintain relatability. 

Ski resorts have gone #digital. Instead of paper lift tickets, participating guests are given scannable cards. If ski resorts could somehow embed the proxy payment card into the scannable lift card, resorts could set up self-serve taps without significantly changing their onboarding process. Like a concert venue, you’d simply ID mountain guests upon entry. 

In sum, the self-serve tap is a well intentioned technology that has yet to realize its true value. With time, self-service systems will migrate away from traditional bars and into places where we had no idea a beer was so needed. 

If you have any ideas on where self-serve taps would be best deployed, please let me know.

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As always thank you so much for reading. This remains my favorite part of the week, every week. I love each and every one of you. If you enjoy this, consider sharing it with a friend. Again, thank you, and have an amazing weekend.

-In the third installment of Ryan’s Reviews, our resident restaurant reviewer – whose name is Ryan - reviews the cozy broth and warm vibe of Hanoi House in East Village. Read the full review here.

-The Busch Turkey Broth review will be delayed a week. Our Canine Broth Critic was unhappy with his compensation. He wanted three treats, I offered one. We agreed on two treats and an extra walk. Production resumes this weekend.

What is cell-based fish?

Two weeks ago, cell-based tuna startup BlueNalu announced that it expects to make a 75% gross profit in its first year when it operates at its planned commercial facility.  

The facility:

To date, BlueNalu has received $84.8 million in funding. I appreciate that most of the investment will go towards building a fish factory that looks like a minor league hockey rink. 

I have questions. Did BlueNalu build its stadium factory on Minecraft? Will employees’ severance procedures happen onsite? Should we be worried about this guy?

Another question worth asking: what is cell-based fish?

Cell-based fish is the seafood equivalent of lab-grown meat. For cell-based fish and lab-grown meat, the process is relatively the same: scientists biopsy cells from a desired species, grow the cells by feeding them nutrients, then shape those cells into what you would recognize as a tuna steak or chicken breast. 

BlueNalu needs its hockey rink to become commercially viable because growing cells quickly and efficiently requires a lot of space. At its new facility, BlueNalu will grow its tuna cells in 100,000 liter “bioreactors” that look and function like the fermentation containers used at commercial breweries.

It’s this - but filled with tuna:

Cell based fish is not FDA approved, yet. Singapore is expected to approve the sale of cell-based fish later this year; it will be the first country to do so. 

Despite its dystopian nature, cell-based fish is well intentioned.  In BlueNalu’s case, no tuna is killed during production (Alec Baldwin could never). In theory, cell-based fish could increase seafood supply while allowing overfished species - like tuna - to repopulate. This would be a good thing. 

BlueNalu claims that its product is free of “mercury, microplastics, and other pollutants” which is great for pregnant women and the most anxious person in your friend group. Also, cell-based fish should generate less waste - BlueNalu doesn’t need to grow a dorsal fin to produce a tuna belly. 

So where do I stand?

Restored fish populations, a pacifier for Mr. Microplastic, and waste reduction are things I can get behind. Objectively, we need all three. 

I don’t love the idea of someone with a Slack account and a parking spot at BlueNalu headquarters deciding how much tuna to grow in Q4 of 2028. I fear the day I find a Senior Associate Fish Grower on LinkedIn. But, I’d be disillusioned to think that commercial fishing is somehow morally superior because fishermen don’t wear quarter zips to work.

My stance: I will not campout for the inevitable BlueNalu x Supreme limited release tuna steak. But, if the Incoming Summer Culinary Analysts at BlueNalu figure out how to make this thing delicious, of course I’ll eat it.

As always, thank you for reading. I love each and everyone of y’all and can’t thank you enough for reading this silly little thing. Consider sharing this with a friend - if you’re into that sort of thing. Have a great weekend.

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By: Ryan McMahon

Rating: 4/5

Price: $33.00; $26.00 (3 Beef Pho +$5.00 for Marrow), $7.00 (Tip)  

Atmosphere:  Hole in the wall for a quick bite or relaxed date

Cuisine: Vietnamese 

The combination of the first chilly day in New York and a bit of a head cold (or maybe it was a hangover) drove me to seek out noodles and broth. In the constant battle of Ramen vs Pho regularly staged in NYC I almost always lean towards the lighter and fresher tasting Vietnamese Pho. 

There is perhaps no better place to cozy up with a steaming bowl than Hanoi House in the East Village. After spending nearly a decade with the prolific Starr Hospitality group, Sara Leveen and Ben Lowell set out to open their own restaurant in 2016. Almost six years and a few different head chefs later it has gotten significantly easier to get a reservation, however the broth remains constant!

Hanoi House boasts a menu of lite bites and appetizers including sautéed clams, stewed in tomatoes and garlic, grilled lamb meatballs and spring rolls with classic Vietnamese dipping sauce. But to save a few bucks and waste no time, I almost always jump right for the the star of the show. The Beef Pho’s bone broth is simmered for 12+ hours leaving you with an intense aroma of beef, cilantro and onion that seems to smack you in the face. To accompany the rice noodles, you are given the choice of Filet Mignon, Brisket, Oxtail, Tendon or Bone Marrow to float the dish. To top it all off, saucers of pickled garlic and house-made chili are left table-side to be administered to your liking.

Once a destination with a line comparable to that of a butcher on Christmas Eve, Hanoi House seems to have fallen back to perhaps its most apt character - a relaxed hole-in-the-wall centered around rich beef broth. Whether you are taking out or sitting down, the ability of this broth to fight a cold or cure a hangover make Hanoi House worth its weight in gold; my only qualm…it’s not open on Mondays.

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-Select McDonald’s will now sell Krispy Kreme doughnuts at breakfast time. Exciting news for all that enjoy delicious things, but there’s no bigger winner than Epic Meal Time - if that still exists. A McGriddle slammed between two Krispy Kremes would’ve been an appetizer for 2011 Muscles Glasses.

-Unbeknownst to me, Busch makes broth. If things work out, Restaurant Adjacent will release its first piece of video content next week: a dog and human review of Busch Turkey Brew. 

What A Towel Will Tell You About A Chef Movie

In a high end kitchen, a towel never goes on your shoulder. 

I learned this the hard way. Two months into my first cooking job, and somewhere in the middle of what I thought was an impressive shift, I tossed a towel over my shoulder. 

The chef noticed, looked me in the eyes, and plainly said, “You know this isn’t your movie, right?”

He then outlined the harms and uselessness of the shoulder tower: it dirties your uniform, the towel will fall off, it’s easier to grab something from your hip than your shoulder, and - as he put it - it’s “fucking embarrassing.”

A towel hasn’t gone upstairs since.

Any line cook knows this, and every successful chef lives by it: towel on the hip. Here are some choice comments from a reddit thread titled “Towel on your shoulder” that further illustrate the point:

Despite consensus opinion among professional cooks, the shoulder towel persists in practice and media. The shoulder towels of poorly trained, disillusioned chefs inform movie and television producers, those producers create shows with fictional shoulder-towel-wearing chefs, we watch the shows, and then when we “play chef” on Thanksgiving, we toss a towel over our shoulder. It’s a reinforcing loop of shoulder towels.

Everyone’s done it. If I didn’t shoulder towel in front of a career chef, I’d still be doing it. 

A shoulder towel is the sort of insider detail that a movie or television show can ignore. But for kitchen movies that ask you to take them seriously – movies interested in getting the details right – a towel should be on a hip and never a shoulder. 

So, let’s towel-track some notable kitchen focused shows and movies and pull their Rotten Tomatoes scores. My thesis: the stuff worth watching doesn’t shoulder towel.

The Bear (2022)

Double hip towel for Carmy, and it stays that way for the entire first season. This show is as close to realistic as you’ll get. Birkenstock clogs, deli containers, the collective culinary Noma boner – it’s all there and it’s a big reason why The Bear might be the show of the year. Rotten Tomatoes: 100%. 

Burnt (2015)

Bradley Cooper’s character in Burnt is nothing but an amalgamation of misinformed culinary cliches. He’s toxic, but talented! He loves drugs, but is sober now! And yes - of course - he’s on the verge of getting his “third star.” Despite working through the best restaurants in Paris, Chef Bradley Cooper routinely dons a shoulder towel. Rotten Tomatoes: 28%.

Ratatouille (2007)

Pixar would never, so they didn’t. The attention to detail in Ratatouille is consistent with the rest of their films: impossibly absolute. No shoulder towels to be found. Rotten Tomatoes: 96%.

As of today, my thesis holds - a shoulder towel is an indicator of a sloppy chef and an even sloppier chef movie. However, this could change soon.

There has never been more interest in chefs and restaurant culture than there is today. The success of The Bear proves and exasperates this. Since The Bear’s release in June, Aimé Leon Dore released kitchen inspired clogs, Birkenstock clogs worn by chefs became hard to find, and you signed up for a newsletter called Restaurant Adjacent that’s sole purpose is to make kitchen culture more approachable. Increased attention on chefs should bring increased industry knowledge, and with that, the gradual disappearance of shoulder towels in movies and television.

Going forward, the absence of a shoulder towel won’t guarantee that a chef movie is worth watching. But, in the event that you do see a serious cooking movie with a shoulder-towel-having chef: watch something else.

Thank you all for reading. This is still the most fun part of the week, every week. Love you all, share this with someone if you’re into the kind of thing, and most importantly: have a great weekend.

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-In the second installment of Ryan’s Reviews, our resident restaurant reviewer – whose name is Ryan – reviewed Lucien in the East Village. Famous people eat there. Ryan also eats there. The fries were cold. Read the full review here. 

-Cousin Nell, who moonlights as RA’s chief coolness officer, completed her dissertation on the self-thrown-birthday-party. Read it here

Jay-Z Picks The Wrong Robot Pizza Truck Venture:

Stellar Pizza, a company placing pizza making robots into delivery trucks, raised $16.5 million in a funding round backed by Jay-Z’s Marcy Venture Partners. The actual pizza looks exactly like what it is: a soulless aggregation of optimized components. A pie from Stellar Pizza evokes the same uncanny horror as a Stepford Wives automaton – it’s so perfect it’s foul.

If I’m getting robot truck pizza, I want it to be cheap, appropriately shitty, and made in the back of a 2022 IIHS Top Safety Pick. I want the Tundra Pie Pro. In short, Tundra Pie Pro is Spotify; Stellar Pizza is Tidal. 

The Four Most Useful Knives And Where To Buy Each For Under $100:

As always, start with the basics:

I love a 7Cr17MoV workhorse that has a real deal bowie styled tip designed to handle aggressive prep. Unsurprisingly, the marketing for Guy Fieri’s “Knuckle Sandwich Knife” reads like a commercial for a Ford F-150 that swept JD Power and his associates right off their feet. While that is badass, please - please - never buy a knife that is this desperate for attention. 

Some general advice: when buying a knife, boring is best. Avoid celebrity endorsements and anything that looks like a Game of Thrones murder weapon. Those knives are not necessarily bad, they’re just overpriced. 

A good knife is a knife you feel comfortable with. That is the only criteria. What typically creates comfort? In my eyes – it's a knife that holds its edge (stays sharp for a long time) and feels sturdy in your hand. You don’t need to spend much to find a knife that does both.

To cook well, it helps to have good knives and it helps to have the right knives. In a perfect world, your knives are both: good and right. So let’s make that happen. Here are the four most useful knives and where to buy them for under $100:

Chef’s Knife:

The workhorse! A chef’s knife isn’t just the most useful knife, it’s the most useful piece of equipment in a kitchen. Dice an onion, trim a turkey, slice a finger off - a chef’s knife will do it all. Because it’s so important, the chef’s knife is a hotbed for predatory kitchen brands. We’re looking at you, Guy! 

Luckily, Misen sells a no-frills chef’s knife with a great blade and even better handle for only $75. Every time I use one, I realize how silly I was to spend nearly three times as much on a chef’s knife that isn’t half as good. If you’re looking to revamp your knife collection, start here.

Serrated Knife:

Cut loaves, bagels, and - especially - tomatoes with this. A halfway decent serrated knife will do its job for years. You can’t sharpen a serrated, so it’s best to buy one that has some longevity. Still, even the best, most expensive serrated knife will lose its edge. General rule: anything more than $50 is a waste of money. 

Serrated knives with an offset handle look cooler and work better (the blade reaches the board before your hand). I have this one from F. Dick. It’s $40 and it’s perfect. 

Japanese Vegetable Knife:

A good vegetable knife makes chopping garlic something to look forward to. The vegetable knife has a certain ease to it – it just feels good in your hand. Although it looks like a butcher’s knife, the slightly thinner blade of a vegetable knife is designed to cut – but not crack – any vegetable that might appear on your cutting board.

I have this 6.5 Inch Japanese Vegetable Knife from Mac. I love it. It’s the knife I use the most. It’s $99, but you’ll have it for life. 

Oyster Knife:

$8 on Amazon. No one needs one until they need one, and then you wish you had one. Buy the knife, spend $40 on two dozen oysters from a fish market, watch a YouTube tutorial, and teach yourself how to shuck oysters. You’ll be more useful and much cooler. 

These are the knives I use now and these are the knives I used as a line cook. What you don’t see are paring knives, “utility” knives, boning knives, or anything in between. Sure, there’s a time and a place where those make sense – but unless you’re cooking professionally, you’d be hard pressed to find yourself in a situation where you really need a utility knife.

If you have these four knives, you’ll be prepared for 99% of home cooking situations. That’s a great place to start from. 

As always thank you for reading. This is only getting more fun. Love each and every one of you. Have a great weekend.

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 By: Ryan McMahon

Restaurant: Lucien

Rating: 2/5 

Price: $263 for two; $147 for food, $72 for drinks, $44 tip

Atmosphere: Night out on the town 

Cuisine: French 

My first apartment in New York was down the street from Lucien, on St. Marks Place and Avenue A. I ate at the French staple regularly, almost always opting for the steak frites. Occasionally I would stumble in after a night out for some of the garlic covered escargot and a martini to close out the evening. 

It’s been a few years since I’ve been back to Lucien having moved farther west, but I’ve always held it in high regard. Since its opening in 1998 by the Morocco-born New Yorker Lucien Bahaj, the restaurant has had a loyal following, particularly with the Who’s Who of the downtown scene. However, in recent years it seems to have taken on a new life in terms of its clientele, most notably Kanye West celebrating the birthday of his then girlfriend a few months back. 

On this particular evening we decided to forgo the lively scene inside where Abba rocked the warmly-lit room and instead sat outside to enjoy the last hint of summer; a decision we would soon regret with the humming and exhaust of the M15 bus as it pulled up tableside as if to say “can I refill your water?”

Under the notion of “if it’s not broken don’t fix it” it is worth noting that the menu at Lucien has not changed since its inception, hitting all the highlights that you would expect of a French bistro. We started with the Escargots de Bourgogne; the kitchen does not hold back on the garlic making these plump snails as delicious as I remember. We then moved onto the Salade d'Artichaux which we found a bit underwhelming and light on artichokes, but left a clean plate nonetheless. Lastly, a classic Steak Frites with a side of Au Poivre sauce and a Braised Short Rib over mashed potatoes and green beans.  Sadly, the steak arrived over-cooked and the fries cold, yet a bite of the short rib from across the table left me pleased with my decision to stick with the overcooked steak.

While every restaurant has its off nights, I can’t help but worry that after 28 years the limelight has caught up to this East side institution that now regularly finds itself on Page Six and parody Instagram accounts. A believer in second chances I will certainly be back, however an underwhelming performance paired with a lofty bill left me wanting more from an old friend.

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By Nell Goddard

Cousin Nell here again, hi hello! Honored to be back here to share my appeal for you all to be throwing more birthday parties, along with some (pretty NYC specific) guidance on how to do so. 

For some context, I am the friend who always does something for my birthday. Blame my star sign, my extroverted nature, or just the fact that I love a good party. Whatever the case may be, over my 8 years of living here I've successfully corralled my friends to an apres ski themed house party, dance on top of booths with strangers, dress in 70s Vegas looks, and most recently, to join me in a tequila-fueled takeover of the new Mexican restaurant on my block. It's never a bad time. It's also not the easiest thing in the world, especially here. So, why bother?

1. I believe there's beauty in creating a sense of occasion. Don't forget those sweatpant-laden dark ages not so long ago. The sad zoom birthday hangs, the unquenchable thirst for a reason to leave your apartment, put on a lewk and see people you love, or even just kind of like. Don't forget what we've overcome, people.

2. People like having plans. It's something to look forward to for you and your friends that gets you outside of your typical weekend schedule and regular spots. Shake things up and bring your worlds together.

3. You will look back on your birthday party as a snapshot of your life in that exact moment. Who were you hanging out with? Where did you think was cool, and what the hell were you wearing? Is that a vodka redbull I spy you drinking? You were dating WHO? Call me sentimental but that shit is fun to look back on in years to come. If not, can't it all become a bit blurry?

Cool so now that you're convinced, but still doubtful because it sounds daunting and stressful, let me lay out a few paths for you:

`1. The birthday dinner:

Maybe you're looking to go a little more low key, or the thought of having to introduce friends from different circles gives you hives. The birthday dinner party is for you. And no, you're not cooking or hosting. You're finding a fun lil spot that you will call  3+ weeks in advance to scope out the options for a big group. Whether it's a prix fixe price or just going to be a big group order, keep price in mind. Don't be the friend that assumes everyone wants to drop their paycheck on your dinner. Unless of course, you're spotting the tab, in which case, can I come? IMO, vibe is more important than food, or restaurant hype. And location is key, because where are you headed for the final final?

• Examples of NYC restaurants with birthday potential: Lil' Frankie's/Supper, Raoul's, The Odeon, Bongos, Forgtmenot, The Fly, Kokomo, Shelter.

• HOT TAKE: Birthday brunches aren't fun unless they're a wholesome family or parental obligation.

2. The bar hang:

Let's goooo. If you live in New York and want to get together with more than 10x friends, or your idea of birthday fun involves being a night owl, dancing, vibing, cocktails you're not making, or just being out in the big wide world, this one's for you. There are a lot of ways you can win at a bar birthday party, and some absolute ways to lose. Those include: not planning in advance, rolling up to a bar that has no idea you or your crew are coming, picking somewhere too small (unless you're taking it over) or somewhere too sceney. The sweet spot is finding somewhere you either have a connection to/friendly vibe with, or have sussed out in advance. Reserve at least one table/area to be home base. Don't get f*cked on an insane bar minimum, you will literally pay for it. Assume about the price of 3x drinks per person as a realistic minimum.

• Examples of NYC bars with birthday potential: Cafe Balearica, Belle Reve, Broken Land, Peachy's, The Springs, Ethyl's 

• HOT TAKE: Daytime bar parties are only fun in the daytime if you can be outside. Otherwise they're a little... sad. 

3. The park or rooftop hang:

This one is for my late spring, summer or early fall bebes. As a Thanksgiving baby myself, this hasn't been in the cards for me and I'm not trying to play host in my apartment for my own birthday BUT if you have a rooftop or backyard, or want to post up in your local park for a more low-key. do-drop-in style birthday, I see you, I hear you, I respect you. Just know you're the builder. You're bringing the party, or tasking some of your trusted associates or lovers with bringing decorations, activities, tunes, snacks n bevvies, and of course, the best of vibes. It's a DIY approach, but if that's your bag baby by all means get out there!

• Recommended listening for this vibe: Aperols in the Afternoon Sun, Playhouse, Soirée, Reggae Classics, 

Alright, that's all for now. Go celebrate your sweet little selves. See you out there.

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-This week Restaurant Adjacent published its first restaurant review, courtesy of guest contributor Ryan McMahon. Ryan went to Chambers (Tribeca) and found a wine-forward date spot that isn’t impossible to get into. You can read his review here.

-A reminder that when searching for a place to eat in New York City, you can always refer to the Restaurant Adjacent map. 

An update on Blendid:

In July, I wrote about my surprising affinity for Blendid, a company automating smoothie production through robotic kiosks. At the time, Blendid seemed most interested in expanding into new locations and resolving the kiosks’ frequent malfunctions. 

Three months later, Blendid will give its robots a personality. Complete with googly eyes, a robotic arm designed to “do even more fun moves and twists,” and the ability to “make a dance-off happen,” the Blendid robots are nearly human.

Those googly eyes go crazy. 

Can I buy a Taco Bell?

Currently in my last semester of graduate school and still searching for what to do next, I asked myself what any serious young professional would:

Can I buy a Taco Bell franchise?

In a word: no. But neither can you, probably. 

To be considered a viable Taco Bell franchise owner you need a minimum net worth of $1.5 million. Nothing says “hey, look at how well I’m doing!” like buying a Taco Bell. 

Priced out at the Bell but still interested in that #FranchiseLyfe, I turned to McDonald’s. Sadly, McDonald’s requires franchise owners to have at least $750,000 in liquid assets. Restaurant Adjacent ain’t got it like that. 

It turns out that to buy into the pantheon of national fast food franchises you need substantial net worth. Here is #data from an Eater report outlining the monetary requirements for ownership of a few notable franchises. 

My takeaways: Chick-Fil-A is a green light. When I sell my mom’s car and my brother’s car while they are both out of town next weekend, Subway could be in play. It’s nice to have options. 

While the monetary ownership requirements for each franchise vary, the Eater report emphasizes an often ignored truth: fast food franchises make serious money. The average Chick-fil-A franchise clears $5 million in sales, annually. An average McDonald’s does $2 million per year. For context, the mean annual sales per establishment across the entire restaurant industry is $1.2 million. In sum, in the restaurant industry, owning a fast food franchise is nothing to scoff at. 

Which is why choosing between Chick-Fil-A and Subway is no decision to make alone. I need help from an insider. I need The Franchise King.

Appropriately named, The Franchise King is the leading voice of the franchise world. His following is significant: 16K Twitter followers, 1.3K YouTube subscribers, and nearly 5K followers on LinkedIn. Thousands of prospective franchise owners have sought out The Kings’s advice and seemingly all of them came away pleased. While his photos and marketing are downright silly, The Franchise King is - again - nothing to scoff at. 

So what doth The King say?

In the eyes of the King, Chick-Fil-A underperforms both morally and financially. On The Franchise King’s Franchise Opportunity Score, Chick-Fil-A is a “1 Crown” franchise. The King does not recommend Chick-Fil-A.

I searched and searched but must report that Subway has yet to receive a Franchise Opportunity Score. Zero crowns? Couldn’t be me. Sorry, Subway.

With no viable prospects and no money, it’s evident that the franchise life is not for me, yet. But one day - once these silly little emails take the world by storm - I’ll be sizing up a Taco Bell near you. 

As always thank you for reading. You can expect to see cooking recommendations return next week. Still, this is the best part of the week, every week. Please subscribe - if you are into that sort of thing - and share with friends. Thanks again!

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