8/25 - 4 Theses on Ghost Kitchens

Plus a new segment: Power Rankings

Aug 25, 2022

In preparation for an upcoming trip to Chicago, my friend Joey and I compiled a list of where to eat, drink, and snack in Chicago. You can read it here.
Pete Wells reviewed Cafe Spaghetti. Sounds like a real delight.

4 Theses on Ghost Kitchens

This week a prominent Applebee’s franchisee announced he will be opening a second, delivery-only location in New York City within the coming year. These ‘delivery only’ concepts can often be referred to as virtual or ghost kitchens. Regardless of title, they stink out loud.

I wavered back and forth about writing a long form piece illustrating my many grievances with ‘ghost kitchens.’ Every time I try to write it I get wordy and condescending and if you want to read someone do that on a much prettier website there’s always Bon Appetit dot com. Instead, here’s a list of reasons with some explanation on why I disapprove of ghost kitchens at large.

Big, corporate food will swallow the industry:

I like big food. As many know, I celebrated my 20th birthday at Chili’s (brag). A favorite memory of mine came as a fourteen year old when I assembled five guys at a Five Guys and then tweeted about it. But big food has gotten – dare I say – too big. Applebee’s, IHOP, and Romacorp (dba Tony Roma’s) are buying into the ghost kitchen game with the intention of segmenting and then disguising their existing menu into something you’d actually want to eat while you’re violently hungover. These #corps observed the increase in item specific food searches and are betting on segmentation and SEO to propel them to the top of your favorite delivery app. These segmentations (e.g. Applebee’s heinous ‘Cosmic Wings’ creation) will continue to iterate until they optimize-away every local, accessible restaurant with an iota of soul. Fun!

Delivery food puts couriers and pedestrians at risk:

New York City isn’t Copenhagen. Observations like that are what you come here for, I’m sure. But since most domestic bike infrastructure is developing at best and nonexistent at worst, urban delivery drivers are asked to speed through high traffic areas to complete deliveries on time. This is dangerous. Since I’m tall, I’m already worried about being hit by short people’s umbrellas and rear-view mirrors on buses. We (especially tall people) do not need increased danger on our streets.

Ghost kitchen food is mostly thoughtless trash

Of course it is. There’s no quality control in a one-person operation. Ask any cook and they’ll admit that delivery orders routinely receive the least attention because it’s unlikely you’ll ever have to face the consequences of that customer’s disappointment. If you fuck up an order in person, you and the order will be brought before the chef to answer for your sins. Much scarier. If you’re going to put a single human being in a storage container and ask them to make baconators, you’d be foolish to assume that your fresh (never frozen) beef will be routinely cooked to temperature. You can find examples of this here, here, here, and here.