How I Would Fix Lent

Featuring Bobby Flay, Tattoos, and Impossible Foods

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How I Would Fix Lent

As I walked around New York City this Wednesday, scuttling past the occasional ash-bearing believer, one thing became clear to me: Lent should be more popular. 

While I’m not saying I’d like this to be the case (I declined a contract extension with the Catholic Church years ago), it is undoubtedly true that Lent is an underperforming brand. Just think: Dry January has a stronger grip on the American psyche and Jesus doesn’t even like it. To prove my point—and demonstrate how inept the Pope is as a marketer—I fixed Lent myself. Here is the plan: 

40 Dry

We’re rebranding Lent to 40 Dry. Why? 1) Jesus did 40 days (and nights!) in the desert, that’s a dry place. 2) Lent is about improvement through sacrifice and the American population already equates quitting alcohol with being a better person. 3) It sounds cool as hell. 

A secondary component of this new initiative includes priests getting jacked and starting podcasts. Nothing gets Americans more motivated to act in the name of self-improvement than a creatine-infused, chicken-and-broccoli-chomping dude-bro with a microphone. These podcasts would include some of the following segments: drafting a Mount Rushmore of bible verses, 7 ways you can use Catholic guilt to gaslight your partner, and evaluating the holiness of Connor McGregor’s MMA career. 

This episode of" “Finding God In The Octagon” is presented by Liquid Death

Ashes out, tattoos in

Forehead ashes are a good start, but they couldn’t get half the social engagement that a cheeky “40 Dry” neck tattoo written in type writer font will. Then every year on “Ash Wednesday” (keep the name as a nod to the past) a priest will touch up your ink so that you can look mad fit for the 40 driest days of the year. 

You know the vibe.

Catholic Church X Impossible Foods X Bobby Flay: Meatless Meal Kits

A true no brainer. When you get your 40 Dry tattoo, the priest will ask you to sign a waiver riddled with terms and conditions which contains a hidden clause that enrolls you into a 40-day free trial (after which you’ll be auto-enrolled into a $199.99 per month subscription, that can only be canceled in-person at their Flagstaff, AZ location) for a Friday-only, meatless meal kit delivery service exclusively featuring Impossible Foods’ new line of elk organs. Bobby Flay will be involved because the Catholic Church loves to help those in need (and he could probably use the work).

Super Chef Bobby Flay

Good Friday

This is a day of serious sadness and reflection, which is why the Catholic Church will ask its followers to post a blank square to their instagram account and then sheepishly remove it by Easter Sunday. 

Easter Sunday 

Only a few changes: BYOBOC (Bring Your Own Blood Of Christ), music directed by The Chainsmokers, and priests wear vintage robes.  

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